Emotions. What about emotions? I indulged myself into this eight letter word. I lived in it. I lived with it. Ever since, emotions has been appealing to me. I get moved once emotion is involved in a conversation, once emotion becomes the central part of the story, and once emotion touched the heart of my soul. What I mean by that is when I relate to the emotion being described.
When I am feeling gloomy and jaded, I notice the things that are dull, things with no color, and the things that are very dark. These things described my emotion, that is why I notice them because they are appealing to me, because that is what and how I feel at the very moment.
However, for the past few months, I have been blank. I mean, I still feel sad, happy, dull, gloomy, grateful, and apologetic. Yet, there is something missing. I have not been as lively as I am. There are days that I am lively, enthusiastic, and energetic, however it only lasts for a day, or an hour, or a minute. It has been temporary. My moods are swinging back and forth. I crave pity. I crave attention. I crave things that are unnecessary, yet despite knowing its insignificance I dwell in it.
As I craved those unnecessary things, I tend to focus on what I do not have, neglecting the things that I currently have with abundance. It's like having many dishes in the table, yet still craving on what's not there. It is essentially neglecting the blessings that one has, when the person should have been grateful for it, because many people in the world are genuinely deprived of the things that he or she is currently neglecting.
Living in oblivion, being oblivious with the things that are totally apparent, I became apathetic. I detached myself into the world I used to indulged myself in. I desensitized myself so that I do not feel the pain that I am currently feeling, and so I tried to be disinterested and unconcerned with the things that I was usually attentive of. I attempted to be the person I was never was, due to the reason of fear of pain, and for the fear of being broken inside and out. I tried not to illustrate emotion to people in order to mask the heaviness of doubt and fear inside of me.
Things just arrived into worst scenarios. There are days that I was brusque to people. I neglected the people who were very kind and friendly to me, just because I was attempting to detach myself from various emotions. I do not want to feel clingy to and with people. I could not fathom the lies within me. The doubts and fear are engulfing me inside and out. My mind was full of scribble scrabble, I could not contemplate and discern things properly. There was fulminations deep inside my head, I was bursting into tears, because life was just tearing me apart. Emotions made me feel quizzically; it made me doubt; it made me fear; it made me an alien to what I was familiar of.
Yet, today, December 19, 2014, the last day of the first semester of our last year as high school students. An English Teacher, who was always there by my side, who protected me from doubts and fears, who encouraged me to be better in times of adversities, printed the recommendation letter she has for me. She stated every single detail that I tend to neglect because I was detaching myself from the emotions that I have. I have been neglecting the things that are very ordinary to me, yet special to others because it brings them happiness and joy. I was the warm coat when they were feeling cold. She was the windfall to me. She was an unexpected blessing that came into my life to save me. She was an angel in disguise. She saved me from my weakest enemy - myself.
Now, I will try to get back on track. Be the person I was again. Not let anybody take away the integrity that has been built within me. I am who I am because of my emotions; taking my emotions away is like taking the vital organs within me - I am not living.
