Emotions

                           Emotions. What about emotions? I indulged myself into this eight letter word. I lived in it. I lived with it. Ever since, emotions has been appealing to me. I get moved once emotion is involved in a conversation, once emotion becomes the central part of the story, and once emotion touched the heart of my soul. What I mean by that is when I relate to the emotion being described.

                        When I am feeling gloomy and jaded, I notice the things that are dull, things with no color, and the things that are very dark. These things described my emotion, that is why I notice them because they are appealing to me, because that is what and how I feel at the very moment.

                         However, for the past few months, I have been blank. I mean, I still feel sad, happy, dull, gloomy, grateful, and apologetic. Yet, there is something missing. I have not been as lively as I am. There are days that I am lively, enthusiastic, and energetic, however it only lasts for a day, or an hour, or a minute. It has been temporary. My moods are swinging back and forth. I crave pity. I crave attention. I crave things that are unnecessary, yet despite knowing its insignificance I dwell in it.

                        As I craved those unnecessary things, I tend to focus on what I do not have, neglecting the things that I currently have with abundance. It's like having many dishes in the table, yet still craving on what's not there. It is essentially neglecting the blessings that one has, when the person should have been grateful for it, because many people in the world are genuinely deprived of the things that he or she is currently neglecting.

                      Living in oblivion, being oblivious with the things that are totally apparent, I became apathetic. I detached myself into the world I used to indulged myself in. I desensitized myself so that I do not feel the pain that I am currently feeling, and so I tried to be disinterested and unconcerned with the things that I was usually attentive of. I attempted to be the person I was never was, due to the reason of fear of pain, and for the fear of being broken inside and out. I tried not to illustrate emotion to people in order to mask the heaviness of doubt and fear inside of me.
                
                   Things just arrived into worst scenarios. There are days that I was brusque to people. I neglected the people who were very kind and friendly to me, just because I was attempting to detach myself from various emotions. I do not want to feel clingy to and with people. I could not fathom the lies within me. The doubts and fear are engulfing me inside and out. My mind was full of scribble scrabble, I could not contemplate and discern things properly. There was fulminations deep inside my head, I was bursting into tears, because life was just tearing me apart. Emotions made me feel quizzically; it made me doubt; it made me fear; it made me an alien to what I was familiar of.

                  Yet, today, December 19, 2014, the last day of the first semester of our last year as high school students. An English Teacher, who was always there by my side, who protected me from doubts and fears, who encouraged me to be better in times of adversities, printed the recommendation letter she has for me. She stated every single detail that I tend to neglect because I was detaching myself from the emotions that I have. I have been neglecting the things that are very ordinary to me, yet special to others because it brings them happiness and joy. I was the warm coat when they were feeling cold. She was the windfall to me. She was an unexpected blessing that came into my life to save me. She was an angel in disguise. She saved me from my weakest enemy - myself.

                Now, I will try to get back on track. Be the person I was again. Not let anybody take away the integrity that has been built within me. I am who I am because of my emotions; taking my emotions away is like taking the vital organs within me - I am not living.

Moving on

Two words, moving on..... It took me two years to realize that I totally moved on. Moving on is not just a word. It is a transition. A change from who you are to who you want yourself to be. I don't even know why I am writing this down. I don't even know why am I wasting my time bringing back the memories. I also learned that in every transition there's a hole in your heart that needs to be filled. That hole will change your life possibly your whole you. I am suffering on that right now. Well, I cannot call it as "suffering" but it is just annoying that you could call it that way. Anyway, a basketball guy, tall, light-skinned, with glasses, friendly, nice, gentleman, and my ex-weight room partner. That is how I describe him to myself and to anyone. He always pops out in my head in the middle of everything. He just comes in my mind from nowhere which is very annoying. In the middle of studying, eating, relaxing, watching television, in the shower, brushing my teeth, reading a book, and even during my sleep. Who is not irritated with this? It is just annoying. I wonder why I don't have the powers to just delete him in my mind. His smile, his laugh, his blushing red face when his friend took his glasses off is just adorable, that's what pops in my head every time. I post many things in facebook about him. Hints and clues everywhere, his initials, his jersey number. I couldn't even track how many times I visited his timeline in just a day. I can't focus on my studies, my homework, my things to do, my household chores, basically everything. I even gave him holiday grams with a gift. Well, I did not announce my name or wrote my initials. I just put anonymous, to be safe. I don't want him to know it's me, but I want him to notice me in his world. I did deactivate my facebook account, that is why I am here right now, writing this. Because I don't want to reactivate my account and be busy again. Being busy in visiting his account twice every 5 minutes. It is just unhealthy. I want him to fill this hole in my heart and be my inspiration and not my distraction. Well, there was an accomplishment. After I deactivate my fb account I was able to finish my AP English homework. I read the book and finish my reading log. I don't know how to forget him. But, I'm just going to make myself busy and busy and busy. This is all for now. :)
#10

"I AM ME"

Im not the strongest
Nor am I the tallest
But what I lack in strength I make up in the size of my heart
Im not the most fashionable
Nor am I the best looking
But I have a heart and an inner beauty that shines 24/7
I may not be the smartest
Nor am I the nerdiest
But I know that loving someone means loving their flaws and perfections
I may not be the richest
Nor am I the most giving
But when I love, I love with all of my heart and time
I may not be the most experienced
Nor the most talented
But I am a quick learner and eager to learn
I may not be the most loving
Nor the most caring
But I love with all of my heart, open arms, and an open mind
I am just like everyone else, a human being. Although I am unique in my own way, I am still an ordinary human being. I am not perfect, I have flaws, but I am looking for the same thing that everyone else is looking for. True, unconditional love. Someone I can have a conversation with. Someone I can trust with my life. Someone who cares not about physical beauty as much as inner beauty. Someone like me. Someone that shines like the stars in the midnight sky. Someone that loves with all of their heart and holds no regrets. But most of all, someone that is confident that they are beautiful even though others tell him/her that they arent. So tell someone they are beautiful in their own way, and that there is someone waiting for them to share their love.

" CHANGE "

As they say... Change is good!
Well, it is.

Change may be better for you and bad for others, they just don't accept the fact that you change from the person they thought you were.. But sometimes in life we also thought the the "OLD US" were US but, the truth is we are still exploring the "Real us", when we could express what we wanted to express and not scared of showing something that is part of us. Because the truth is sometimes we are oppressed by our own insecurities and anxieties that we can't show the things that is part of us.
To come to my point.. it's not about CHANGE.. it's about "YOU"

Well, in this instance I'm pointing to myself.
I just thought that the old me was me.. But then one day came, and I realized that I am gradually changing I just can't point out what changed in me, but I know I (somewhat) change. (yung bang alam mong parang feeling mo na may nakalimutan ka, di mo lang matukoy kung ano) -- I feel that way...
I know this is not the type of change that one day you wake up and you see yourself totally different.. Well, there's nothing like that.. I mean change is not like, in just a blink of an eye or a snap on a finger or as fast as the bubbles pop. Change is gradual, step by step.. like a turtle or a snail slowly taking their moves or steps.

One more thing that I am really proud I overcome.. I MOVED ON ! in terms of love life.. I just realized it's not really the right time, the perfect moment.. Maybe I just took a fast ride instead of walking to my life step by step... There were times I said to myself that I know what risks I am taking, I know that this feeling I am feeling is true, that this is what they called true love but then... as time passes by I realized it's not.. well, that's life.
I admit that there are times in my life that I close my ears and mind to others' words of wisdom but there are also times that I listened, but I just didn't do what they are telling me which is my mistake.. (pointing out your mistakes are good, because you know what you need to fix --even though it's hard.. the thing is that at least you know.) For all the teenagers .. who think that you are worth entering a relationship just think thoroughly.. give that guy or yourself a time.. let them wait or yourself wait and see if they are sincere or if you are sincere.. because when I entered the relationship, I am still "unsure" of what I am feeling even though I am telling myself that "I am really sure" .. That's what they say... "you will never know/realize your mistakes once you are inside a relationship because "you are blinded by (what you think) "love" is." You need to come out on that situation and see the whole picture and point out the wrongs and mistakes, so that you can fix it... 

OK. back to my changes.. Well, this past few days, I realized and thought about dreaming.. before I had dreams but they are not realistic dreams and more on fairy tales (I love fairy tales by the way -- I used to believe in happily ever after--).. but now I am trying to visualize myself as an actress, singer, performer or a person who has a privileged or a high position in a job, or  I am having a successful business. My financial and other achievements will be for my mama and papa and my family or other people who needs help. This visualization is not my thing at all (AT ALL) before.. but now I am becoming more realistic, more inspired because of my family and I know no matter what happen they're not going to turn their backs on me (unlike your bfs/gfs --when you fail they'll get discourage (some of them -- i'm not saying all) but, my point is getting your inspiration in the people you know who loves you and you love back is priceless.)

Change is good for you as long as you change for the better, being a better person (helping others and loving others as you love yourself -- that is being better).

"The feeling comes and goes"

The pain is here again,
it was gone and now it's coming back,
it comes and it goes...
Is it really this hard? 
Is it really hard to move on from your past?

More than a year had past...
but whenever someone reminds me about the feeling of love,
the pain is still fresh, it feels like it just happen so recently.
Is this true love?

True love?
How do we define it?
Some says :
"True Love is when you put someone else's well being above your own. You no longer matter, its all about that other person. Yours becomes theirs and "I" is no longer something that comes out of your mouth."
"True love to me is when two people love each other unconditionally."
but for me, it's just simply "True Love can wait and it will never lose faith."

Does time matter?
or does change matter? 
over time, people change... is it going to affect the feeling you have for that person?

questions, questions, questions....
I want this pain go away, 
that, when someone asks me about love,
the pain won't show, the pain won't overflow..
I want this pain to end..
That's all I ever wanted..

Is there someone seeking for me and me seeking for him?
or the chance will make us together and chance will set as apart too?
 I want answers to my questions. Someday...

"Almost a year ago..."

Almost a year ago since I migrated here in U.S from Philippines...
I found something while I'm cleaning my stuff, and the thing that I found was the one that I wrote in a piece of paper while I'm still adjusting and that was the time that I had a hard time of forgetting what I had in my past.
This is what I wrote:

"Having doubts in a situation is really confusing, even if you know what's right, there's still second thought that makes you more confuse and your mind doesn't know what to choose."

"I don't know if NOT loving someone makes me empty, or is it just me who pressured myself for something."

"Six months passed, I moved on with the heartbreak stuff but, it makes me so empty even if  I'm not. I'm so full, my mind is, as if there's no tomorrow but deep inside I am so empty, I feel so empty. I know love is like a drug as what other people say, that it is so addictive but sometimes it is too much that it comes to the point you need space and stop loving because it becomes so unhealthy for a person and it is a pain and when you cannot help it, you need to go to the rehab where you can be treated and heal that wound which is your broken heart. How we wish that there is a place for rehabilitation of the people who have broken hearts but, it seems like that would not happen."

When I read this quotes that I wrote, I never thought that I thought about this before, as if I never wrote it and I was not the person who wrote it anymore. Painful to think, but happy to encounter. My past would be a very great experience for me and those memories were the ones I will carry and remember for a lifetime.


-Faye

"Goodbyes& ends"

Who wants end? who wants goodbyes?
You're beautiful relationship is coming to an end..
You're best friends are saying goodbye...
It hurts so much, it is so painful to make something end  especially when it is so important or sentimental for you, saying goodbye to a very important person or material for you, in other words letting that person or material go, away from you. Some people were so materialistic, loving material and earthly things it's part of being a person but, the very thing that we need to think is a person that can never be replaced by anyone even expensive material things because, a person is a person who just have one life to live. Let's give importance to the people who are here with us, no matter how many fights we have had, no matter how much they are stubborn they are still human who needs love by the people who they expect that they will accept for who they are and what they are, their strength and weaknesses. Don't lose hope, every ending has a new beginning, every goodbye's have Hello's.